Wow, can you believe this is my 900th post ? That's 400 posts since June - yikes!!! Is that even possible ??? Lol.
I wanted to do something special today, and there is nothing more special than the subject of today's post. October has been, amongst other things, Depression Awareness month, and I have done several posts so far. Well, I wanted to do one more, and one that balances out some of the grim I've subjected you to.
This post is dedicated to my amazing daughter Beth, who I call Boo. For all the dark days, and the black days, the days when I want to stop the world and jump off, the days when I just want it to end, there is one thing that stops me - Boo.
There are days when I REALLY struggle with my depression, days when my insecurities, low self-esteem and fuck-ups come crashing through the wall I build around myself, and I can find no reason why MY existence should continue. But all it takes is one thought of my daughter, and I carry on.
I distinctly remember being in the grip of post-natal depression when she was a few weeks old, and asking other people to bottle feed her. They would happily accept, but also ask "why", and I don't think a single one of them understood me when I said I did not want her subconsciously scarred, and to remember on some level that her arrival into the world reduced her mother to constant tears.
And some days, it's pretty much like that, all over again. I will NOT have my daughter growing up without a mother, or wondering her whole life why her love wasn't enough to keep me alive. I will not do that to her. Famously, Arthur Miller said "a suicide kills two people, that's what it's for", and I will not have my amazing, pure, and wonderful daughter blighted by that which blights me.
So today is all about the happy. This manicure symbolises my love for Boo, and our mutual love for puddycats, and in particular big fat Pumpkin.
I hope you've "enjoyed" this series, if that's the right word. Depression takes so many shapes, sizes and forms, it absolutely is NOT a one-size-fits-all disease, so if you know someone who you think is suffering, ask them to tell you how they feel, and let them know .... let them know you care, and above all, that they are not alone. Thank you xx